At about 3-4 weeks, Lincoln started getting fussy and just wasn't a peaceful sleeper. It progressively got worse, to where he cried inconsolably for hours a day (sometimes spread out throughout the day, sometimes all in one chunk) and had really painful, sad cries after many of his feedings with lots of arching and screaming, frequent spit-ups, burps and cries after, etc. Thankfully, he was always a weight-gainer (apparently GERD babies can undereat because they anticipate the pain, or overeat because breastmilk is soothing on their esophagus), so we never had issues with failure to thrive. I started trying all sorts of different things, from wondering if he had just gotten used to sleeping in arms, to trying to just accept that he had a fussy/grumpy demeanor, until I was sure it was reflux. After trying almost all of the natural/non-med solutions, he's been on multiple meds and I've been doing a dairy/egg/soy/wheat-free diet now for almost 2 weeks and we're starting to see improvement! Sometimes we'll have two or three good days in a row, followed by another very rough one, or a great morning with a rough evening, but these last 2 days have both been looking pretty good!
So, in this moment of clarity, and very much appreciating a few moms I was able to reach out to for wisdom and encouragement, I wanted to write this letter.
Dear, dear parent(s) of babes with GERD (reflux):
If you're wondering if your baby has GERD, all I can say is: you'll know. Cooper had "reflux", as in he spit up large quantities frequently, but was a happy little guy, he slept, and he played. In my limited experience with a babe with GERD, it is an entirely different ballgame. It's unsustainable. You've read and re-read the list of symptoms and checked them off, then read and re-read the list of treatments or suggestions and done any or every one that you can possibly fit into your life, and some days you still feel like you may not survive. You're exhausted, maybe partly because of newborn lack of sleep, but mostly because of the endless crying. Especially the pained crying. Oh, the painful cries.
I just wanted to let you know that I hurt for you. It's intense. And let you know that it can get better. We're still early in our journey, and although on bad days it doesn't feel like it, overall it has definitely gotten better.
So, here are my tips:
* Know their cries and cues
This has been tremendously helpful for me. GERD babies usually cry A LOT, and it's so easy to get frustrated and confused and not know what to do to help them. For us, having a loose routine of "eat, awake, sleep" (which was really rather easy to do for my non-GERD baby Cooper and much more difficult for Lincoln) makes life easier because it gives me some structure to try to distinguish between his cries and tend to the need at the moment, rather than just get frustrated or overwhelmed because I don't know how to help him. I really liked the parts of the book The Baby Whisperer by Tracy Hogg (although so many parts felt like they didn't apply at all to a fussy GERD baby) that discuss distinguishing between their cries. For example, Lincoln's hungry cry starts with a coughing-like sound, and his gas or pain cries are high pitched and he curls his tongue up. When he's overstimulated, he closes his eyes and turns his head away, but that doesn't mean he's necessarily tired, and if I try to get him to sleep at that point it will probably be a much longer battle than if I wait until I see his sleepy cues (yawn first, then pretty immediately red eyes and wails if I don't capitalize on the yawn!). Yup, I've spent some time studying him. Knowing these things and having a loose routine allow me to know when he has a need that I can meet vs. when he's just in pain internally and there's not much I can do but hold him.
* Think big picture and focus on the positives
After trying nearly every natural/non-med option (I never tried homeopathic Nat Phos 6x or the complete elimination diet, where you can basically only eat rice, veggies, and fruit), we finally got him on meds. After that, there were some really good days and some really bad days. On the bad days, it's easy to get frustrated and feel like nothing is working... but at least for us, if I looked at the big picture, I can definitely tell things overall are much better. It helps me to focus on the things that have gotten better (after 1.5 weeks on meds, I feel like many things have actually gotten A LOT better, but those early days I had to focus on little improvements like his night-time sleep or a few nursing sessions without crying) and be thankful for them. Also, although I imagine this is easier for non-first-time moms, it helps me to imagine my babe in the future. They'll probably get over their GERD in a few months, and things will be much more enjoyable!
Note: With this, I've struggled some with a feeling of loss because I'm not able to fully enjoy these first months. I hate the idea of just "surviving" and want to enjoy every step of life... but sometimes are just less enjoyable than others, and an inconsolable, hurting baby is just not really all that enjoyable. However, if I focus on the moments where he's content, the sweet moments between my two boys (you know, when Cooper's not trying to tackle him), the improvements, or quiet snuggles, my attitude changes, my shoulders relax, my mood improves, and my life gets better!
* Don't introduce new habits because you're desperate
Oh, the desperation. I know it, I really do. You're either willing to do anything to make them feel better or you're willing to do anything because you're that exhausted and just want the crying to stop... and sometimes both. But, my advice is to have some idea of what you'd like your long-term to look like and try, try, try to stick to that as much as possible. Now, I'm not advocating for being so structured that you don't leave room for flexibility that might actually help you, but I am suggesting that you evaluate each "thing" you're doing to make sure it's really helping and it's not just you trying to do something, anything to make the moment pass quicker. Let me give some examples:
When they're crying inconsolably because something hurts inside them, it probably won't make a difference whether you're bouncing/jiggling/swaying/standing on your head. Sure, try them all, but if they don't make a difference because it's just that inconsolable wail that you can't do anything about, just hold them. You probably don't want to have to bounce/jiggle/sway/stand on your head every time they wake up from sleep in the future, so just stand there with them, hold them, and breath. I'll always try various things to see if they help (holding him on his tummy, "shhing" in his ear, etc.), but often times there's nothing I can do... he just doesn't feel good. *Or, if you don't want to have to nurse/feed them to sleep every time they nap in the future, don't do it just to quiet them if they're not hungry or it's not going to comfort them. This goes back to "know their cries." For us, nursing when he's not hungry may temporarily make things better because he's usually quiet when he's on the breast, but it usually makes things worse in the long run because he often arches, cries, burps, gags, chokes, hiccups, etc. afterwards and it's even harder to get him to sleep.
*This doesn't apply to GERD babies who aren't gaining weight well, in which case you may want to feed them any time they'll take it!
I've realized that so often I do things just because I feel like I need to be doing something, but it's not really helping anything, and I'd rather not create a new habit. So, in those genuinely inconsolable moments, just take a deep breath and try to just wait it out as you hold your babe.
* Breath and cut yourself some slack
Pretty self explanatory. Just give yourself some grace. For me, I have to cut myself slack for feeling bad that I'm giving my tiny baby two meds. I think Cooper got Tylenol after vaccines maybe twice in his whole first year, and this babe now has a syringe in his mouth five times a day. I also had to cut myself slack that he often naps in a wrap or carrier, rather than lying down. Yeah, I've read the parenting books that talk about how any baby can nap lying down and that they just have a habit of being held... pfffshh. GERD babies like being upright, so if he's just not having it lying down (yes, at an incline), I wrap him to me. On rough days, he spends ~8 hours tied to my chest.
* Trust your gut
I've always thought there were two types of people when it comes to getting haircuts. The type that tell the hairdresser specifically what they want and don't walk out until they're happy, and the type that say "oh, whatever you think" or "maybe just a trim" and end up with purple streaks and a pixie haircut and force a smile and say "oh wow... it's really different!" and walk out and cry in their car. I'm totally the latter. I'm also like that when it comes to the pediatrician. I have to write it down and tell someone else what I need to say to pump myself up that there's actually a problem and it needs to be addressed. So, despite feeling like I should call and have an appointment every day for a week before Lincoln's 2-month check-up, I waited until his 2-month check-up and then made myself tell her that I felt like there was a significant problem that needed to be addressed. Because, instead of being convinced that green poop means they have whooping cough, a brain tumor, and tooth decay, I tried telling myself that everything is normal and that he was probably just a fussy baby. But, I kept feeling a nagging gut feeling that he was in pain and there had to be something we could do to help him... and I'm so glad we did! Now I look back and wish I had called at least week earlier and started him on meds earlier!
Stay strong, dear mama/daddy! Parenting is tough and humbling and though it may not feel very rewarding right now, things will get better! The first time Lincoln smiled at me (which wasn't until he was about 8.5 weeks), I melted, cried, ran to Daniel and said, "He LIKES me!" It's especially hard when you feel like you're only getting negative responses... but it will pass! Things will get better! Hang in there!
Totally off topic, but does Cooper not look like sunshine incarnate?
ReplyDeleteLinc is one cute little bundle and I can't wait to hug him lots!